


Theodora O'Hare, The Lady With The Hats

by DixieDale



Category: The Girl from U.N.C.L.E., The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-10-29 09:00:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17805050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DixieDale/pseuds/DixieDale
Summary: In a prior story 'Warm Memories', April Dancer briefly considered Theodora O'Hare as a possible culprit in the disappearance of her partner.  Just what would have made Theodora's name jump to the top of the list of suspects?  Well, there had been this little incident in Milan . . .





	Theodora O'Hare, The Lady With The Hats

Theodora O'Hare, otherwise known, somewhat irreverently, as The Lady With The Hats. Theodora had them made special, those hats of hers, and special was exactly the right word. Wild extravagances of imagination, luscious materials, and always, always dangerous in one manner or another.

They'd come up against her once or twice before, April Dancer and her partner Mark Slate. Napoleon admitted he and Illya had run into her as well. Somehow she didn't cause the automatic hard and negative reactions most of their opponents caused. Well, Illya disapproved of the extravagance of those objects of adornment, but even he had caught himself wanting to smile at the sight of Theodora in that scarlet cartwheel of silk and netting containing what appeared to be a representative of every type of musical instrument you could think of. He might not find it attractive, certainly not practical, but it did display a certain amount of knowledge, and he respected that. 

Over a bottle of wine the four of them had actually discussed some of those affairs involving Theodora and found amusement more their mutual reaction than anything else. Perhaps it was that Theodora had never tried to kill any of them; that was rather a novelty in the villains they came up against. There was even a valid argument as to whether Theodora actually qualified as a villain.

Illya had snorted at that notion, though. "We may have never proved she works as an assassin, Napoleon, but you must admit she has shown up where an unexpected death has taken place, at least twice to my knowledge." 

"That hardly proves she's an assassin, Illya," Mark argued. "WE'VE been known to show up occasionally where there's been an unexpected death, too."

April agreed, "and she's hardly unnoticeable. I would think it very difficult for her to allow herself to become nondescript enough to be an assassin."

Oh, there was generally larceny of some sort involved in her activities, often some major distraction when her current employer wanted to use her in that way. She was quite adept at causing a distraction, no one could deny that. Just walking into a room was enough to cause a flurry, between her hats and the equally outrageous outfits she wore to show them off.

But, to their knowledge, she didn't tend to shoot people, or blow them up; her weapons of choice were more in the form of sleeping gas, a sudden burst of light, sneezing powder, sometimes other things, but nothing deadly. And if Illya was right and she was working as an assassin, she was doing it very discreetly and by unknown means. (Well, she made an exception for anyone who mocked her passion, her lovingly contrived hats; with them, in their defense, she could turn deadly, but that is another story.) 

She had also never been known for dragging anyone away to a torture chamber anywhere, threatening them with vile things in order to pry secrets out of them, unlike many the four UNCLE agents had run up against. Theodora had far too much style for that sort of thing; there were some, including Illya, who suggested she was just too indolent for such activities, but that just seemed overly spiteful. In fact, if a proposed job involved any of that, she just shrugged and shook her head and went back to reading her novel, or peeling a grape, or whatever else currently occupied her attention.

Theodora O'Hare was an independent operative and had the option of picking and choosing her endeavors, unlike some other unfortunates. In fact, the UNCLE agents admitted to a bit of envy on that part; they'd each ended up with assignments they'd have been more than pleased to skip, if they'd had that luxury, which they didn't. 

Well, after all, Theodora O'Hare was not dedicated to any one organization, and the only philosophy she was dedicated to? She was dedicated to Theodora, and whatever best suited her at the moment. 

Sometimes Thrush sought to take advantage of that, sometime KAOS, sometimes others, but in the end, it was Theodora who benefited, always. No matter who thought to use her, it was Theodora who came out on top

The few times someone had tried to coerce her into something she hadn't wanted to be a party too, she'd created so much trouble no one tried it again. KAOS once became, if only temporarily, defanged when Theodora took exception to Conrad Siegfried trying to put pressure on her to assassinate the Queen of England. Well, that was quite out of the question, of course. While Theodora did think the Queen showed a woeful lack of spontaneity and imagination in her hat selections, still, she did feel the dear lady was making an effort, which was more than could be said about most people. In Theodora's mind, that made them kindred spirits of a sort, and the only action she was tempted to take was to send the monarch a hat far better representing the importance and glory of her position. Maybe something in blue, with a reinactment of one of the better known sea battles of Sir Francis Drake?

Siegfried had tried to insist on Theodora's cooperation, and found himself enveloped in some sort of fog that made him swell up and turn orange and itch like mad, which necessitated him taking a brief respite from his world domination activities. Maxwell Smart, from CONTROL, and his partner, Agent 99, had been in the area, and Theodora let THEM take the credit for the whole thing, but those in the know, well, they KNEW.

Yes, she did let her tendency toward retribution overcome her common sense occasionally, but she kept that to a bare minimum, just what she deemed truly necessary. 

Now, her libido, that was MUCH more frequently exercised, and rarely restrained. Ah, that libido of hers. It was almost as legendary as her hats, if not quite so publicly exposed in photographs. As she told an old friend, "Henri, it isn't that I'm shy; you know I'm not. It's just that once you are twenty-five, the camera is just not your friend, you know? The hats, yes. The gowns, yes, since my figure is still quite good. But the face, the neck? Ah, no, no photographs please." 

Henri had smiled and nodded, refraining from mentioning that Theodora had not counted the camera as her friend for some ten, maybe fifteen years or more. They were friends, the two of them, but he wasn't going to go out of his way to annoy her. She WAS wearing one of her hats, after all! As he knew quite well, Theodora's hats were not just extravagant and outrageous, they also incorporated a wide variety of offensive and defensive surprises, and she DID have rather a temper!

 

Now, on an assignment that involved Mark posing as a photographer and April as the model he was engaged in photographing all over Milan, they had once again encountered The Lady With The Hats. They knew her, well enough; the question was whether she'd gotten a good enough look at them during their prior encounters to recognize them now. 

At first, it would seem not. They had avoided her as much as they could, til it became obvious she was in some way mixed up with that little device they were trying to retrieve from Dr. Gruden. They weren't sure how, but wherever Gruden was, there was Theodora. Then, they had no choice but to get close to her in order to get both her and Dr. Gruden away from their suites at the same time. Since Dr. Gruden seemed to be enraptured with the dramatic lady, where she went, he went. As a bonus, it was an ideal opportunity, or so it seemed, to get a picture of Dr. Gruden, of whom they'd only been shown drawings before. Supposedly he was rather a master of disguise, and as leary of the camera as Theodora herself. 

Usually a beautiful woman who seemed to like the spotlight as much as Theodora O'Hare did would have jumped at the chance to be photographed, but whenever Mark, in his pose, tried to get close enough to do that, photograph her AND the neverbefore photographed Dr. Gruden, she'd find a way to block him. It was evident he had to take another route to get close; after all, that tiny belt-buckle camera didn't work except within a four or five foot range.

April had stood back in amusement watching her partner set aside his camera and go into full silly mode, simpering and swooning in supposed admiration of the "lovely, lovely lady with the beautiful hat!" In fact, he was flirting most outrageously, and it was easy to see he'd found her Achilles' heel. Well, Theodora did have a weakness for men who found her irresistible. Actually, she had a weakness for men of a wide variety of descriptions, and had no objection to occasionally crossing the line to the fairer sex as well.

The lady with the hats was instantly captivated by her new admirer, seeming to find him as tantilizing and diverting as he proclaimed he found her and her hats. Suddenly it wasn't so much a matter of getting close to her, it was a matter of trying to get Mark away from her long enough for the partners to discuss their assignment.

April was simultaneously amused, incredulous, and highly diverted in turn. Along with being speculatively curious, of course, as to just how far Mark intended to take this mutual admiration. Was she slightly annoyed? Well, of course not. Why would she be? Other than that seemed to be delaying a quick resolution to their mission. She was certain Mr. Waverly wouldn't be in the least happy to see the picture she was being presented with on a daily, nightly basis.

Finally the opportunity came, when Theodora was turned away, busy being enchanted by some more flattery, and Dr. Gruden, seeming a little annoyed at the woman ignoring him, let down his guard in his attempt to regain her attention. Obviously everyone was well engaged for at least a short period of time. One quick job of lock-picking and that tiny device was in April's purse with the good doctor none the wiser. Well, the CASE it had been in was still in that little hidey-hole; hopefully it would be awhile before he bothered to open it and check the contents.

Now, to retrieve Mark and get out of there. She'd tried signaling him from across the room, but that had no effect, his eyes firmly set on Theodora's decolletage which he was obviously finding as entrancing as her cartwheel hat of green ruched silk, laden with the white fence, tiny cottage, trees and an assortment of farm animals.

She'd moved closer, and a quick turn of Theodora's head, the snap of her eyes, told the UNCLE agents that the woman DID remember them. A fast movement and a small sheep from that green ruched silk hat landed at April's feet. The sleeping gas worked quickly enough, she only caught a glimpse of Mark's slightly dazed eyes from that bright flash from the tiny tree Theodora, with a wide smile, had tossed to him, but was that sparkle in his eyes from that flash, or from an interest in the open invitation in Theodora's eyes? 

She'd come to in an empty room, Dr. Gruden, Theodora, and most importantly, her partner nowhere in sight. Gruden she tracked to the nearest airport, where he'd taken off for Zurich. It took two days of intense effort to track Theodora to that villa she'd rented on the outskirts of Milan. Two days of worrying about her partner. By the time she drove to the cliffs below the villa, she was on pins and needles, worrying about what she might find. Theodora might not have the reputation for dragging anyone away for a spot of torture, but there was no telling when she might decide to branch out. April's small pocket pistol was in her hand when she slipped in the back way. It took some doing, but she finally found where Theodora had her partner secreted. 

Suddenly worry wasn't the best description of her mental state, though she wasn't quite sure what was. An objective observer might have placed annoyance at the top of the list, but who knows for sure. She'd found Mark, unclad and smiling, laying sprawled in the rose colored silk sheets. He'd tried to brush off the whole matter of being missing and incommunicado for two days as an after-effect of one of Theodora's sheep (or maybe it was a goat), but somehow, that black silk high-crowned hat with the red silk roses he'd snatched up from the chair beside the bed to use to cover his 'assets' when she'd burst into the room seems to point in a different direction. And then there was the fact that Theodora worked alone; there hadn't been any handy henchmen hanging around to transport an unconscious Mark Slate to this villa. No, he had to have gotten here under his own power, at least partially. Interesting, that, April thought.

Her voice was casual, cool, detached, as was the look on her face, her smile. Somehow there was something not quite so detached underneath that look in her eye, and the look she gave Theodora came uncomfortably close to a glare, but never mind that. SHE was convinced she was being detached.

"Mark, darling, perhaps you need more work on your self-defense skills, in the close up manoeuvres, the hand-to-hand combat, you know? Letting a middle-aged, out-of-shape female like Theodora O'Hare overpower you, FORCE you to come with her? Keep you captive all this time? Tsk, tsk." 

There was a wicked grin on Mark's face as he lay there, the still-luscious, not in the least out-of-shape Theodora sprawling replete in the rumpled rose-colored silk covers next to him, her ample assets only faintly concealed by a black and rose silky shawl. 

Mark coughed, getting April's attention. "Well, perhaps I DO need to brush up on a few manoeuvres, April; I'll have to see to that when we get home. I found myself simply without recourse against her, um, skills. She's really quite talented, you know."

Somehow April wasn't all that sure she appreciated that slow sly smile that came to the brunette clothed only in that wisp of black and rose silk, who was now reaching out to lightly stroke the smirking blond Englishman down his cheek, and then trailing down his chest, headed even further south.

"Merci du compliment, darling. And my dear Miss Dancer, I can assure you, your partner needs NO tutorial in the, how did you put it, hand-to-hand 'combat', or close-up manoeuvres. I assure you he has all the bases covered quite well." 

Her blood pressure took a huge leap, but before she could respond, there was a slight motion from the woman, and the knowledge, when she awoke, that those silk roses adorning that elegant hat were just as much a sophorific as those blasted ivory sheep hadn't helped her disposition one little bit. Her memory of the woman's laugh, her sweeping away of that so-concealing hat before reaching for Mark hadn't helped either, nor the fact that Mark hadn't seemed to be making any attempt to move further away from the woman. 

When she awoke, Theodora was gone, and Mark was placing a damp cloth on her head. "Better now, love?" he asked in a cheery voice. April took a look at her watch; three hours past when she'd entered the room. She gave Mark a hard look, but refrained from asking just how long ago Theodora had left, and what had transpired BEFORE she left. Somehow, she just did NOT want to hear it!

Mark hadn't seemed the least bit repentent, not really, no matter how his blue eyes had tried to seem so. She'd let him know that she, like the Queen, was NOT amused!

Mark made a point of not arousing her temper on the trip back to New York; in fact, he pretended sleep all the way. Well, maybe it wasn't so much of a pretense. There had been quite a bit of chasing around during the mission itself, and Theodora had been rather demanding; in fact, she'd rather exhausted him. She'd hinted she might be in New York in a month or two; perhaps he should increase his daily vitamin intake in the interim.

April sipped her white wine silently, sending a frequent glare over to her supposedly sleeping partner. She reviewed the recent events involving Theodora O'Hare. 

Just how did April feel about all of that?? Surely she was less annoyed by that than Illya Kuryakin was by Napoleon Solo's implausible reactions to Angelique's lures. She was quite accepting of Mark's incursions into the yin and yang of life. I mean, why would that annoy her in the least, other than this particular episode had put her partner at some risk? There was certainly nothing more personal than that involved. It was just that she'd been worried about him, what with him disappearing during that seemingly erratic tossing of small images from Theodora's green ruched silk cartwheel hat. Well, of course she had been! He was her partner, after all!

There was just something about the way he was smiling in his sleep that deeply annoyed her! She motioned to the attendant for another glass of wine, red this time. There had been just a tiny bit of turbulence over the past few minutes; during the next round, she just might lose control over that glass. Yes, accidents do happen. Now, just where should that liquid 'accident' land?? Decisions, decisions. Let him just be thankful she hadn't decided to drink coffee!


End file.
